Politics
Steve Bannon Voted People Magazine’s Most Buoyant Man of 2024
In an unexpected nod from People Magazine, political strategist Steve Bannon has been named the “Most Buoyant Man of 2024.” While the accolade traditionally celebrates physical attractiveness, this…
J.D. Vance has a dirty little secret: his penis.
Rumors are swirling around J.D. Vance, Ohio’s outspoken conservative voice, about a “dirty little secret.” The source? His own recent comments, which unexpectedly hinted at a personal revelation.
Trump and Kamala agree to settle it over foosball match
Former President Donald Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris have reportedly agreed to resolve the upcoming election with a foosball match. The announcement, made jointly via social media, left…
Debate format backlash from GOP after diapers disallowed
Controversy erupted this week after Republican Party officials expressed outrage over a new debate rule that prohibits former President Trump and Vice President Harris from wearing diapers during the…
“Small businesses are the juicy phat ass of the American economy.” – Tim Walz attempts to modernize rhetoric on economy.
In an attempt to modernize and perhaps enliven the rhetoric surrounding the American economy, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz recently made headlines with a strikingly unconventional metaphor. Speaking…
Oprah endorses Kamala at DNC; Trump hopes maybe Jerry Springer will come around.
REAL-TIME ELECTION COVERAGE BY ADMIN STEVE
CIA Reveals Leaked Messages Hinting at Massive Conspiracy to Ding-Dong Ditch White House.
In a revelation that has left Washington insiders and the public alike in a state of disbelief, the CIA has disclosed a series of leaked messages suggesting an elaborate plot to orchestrate a…
CIA Finds Hunter Biden Laptop. Discovers Way Fucking Embarrassing 1st Draft of Shitty Novel.
In a surprising twist to the ongoing saga surrounding Hunter Biden’s laptop, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has made an unexpected discovery: a cache of files containing what is described as a…
Judge Scolds Trump for Disobeying Gag Order Whenever HE Gives It, but Loving Every Gag, Piss On Me, and Bend Over Order from Other People.
In a courtroom drama that has captivated the nation, a federal judge has delivered a scathing rebuke to former President Donald Trump for his repeated defiance of a gag order – but with a curious…
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Unsuccessfully Ousts Speaker Johnson from Office, But Successfully Inserts Other Johnson(s) into Buttocks and Mouth Simultaneously.
In a stunning and graphic display of political theater, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene has once again made headlines for her controversial actions within the hallowed halls of Congress. While…
RFK Reveals Worm Dwelling In Skull In Commitment to Resolve Housing Crisis.
In a bold and unexpected display of commitment to addressing the pressing issue of affordable housing, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (RFK), scion of the iconic political dynasty, has revealed a shocking…
Desantis Suspends Campaign Just Hours After Six Flags Reduces Height Requirement for Trademark Rollercoaster “Tatsu.”
In a stunner, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has withdrawn from the political race just hours after the renowned amusement park Six Flags adjusted the height requirement for its iconic rollercoaster,…
Ramaswamy Suspends Campaign Just Hours After Coolest High Schoolers in Whole School Announce Party Tonight.
In a political storyline that has sent shockwaves through the nation over the past many months, presidential hopeful Vivek Ramaswamy has unceremoniously ended his campaign mere hours after the…
Chris Christie Suspends Campaign Just Hours After McRib Returns.
Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced the suspension of his political campaign just hours after the highly anticipated return of the McRib sandwich. Known for his charismatic and often…
Disgraced Rep George Santos’ Claims Now Utterly Ridiculous; Calls Stuber a “great film.”
Disgraced weirdo and former U.S. Representative George Santos, is currently facing scrutiny for alleged ethical violations. While his copious lies recently shocked the world, Santos has managed to…
Giuliani Way Out of Touch: “Chinese New Year, Chinese New Me.”
Rudy Giuliani, the former mayor of New York City, is facing intense backlash after a senior moment during an interview. In response to a reporter pressing Giuliani about his recent conduct, Giuliani…
Biden Issues Urgent Statement On Missing Thimble in White House Monopoly Set.
President Joe Biden has issued a statement concerning a missing thimble from the White House’s Monopoly board game set. The declaration comes amid ongoing discussions about pressing national and…
Freezy Friday: McConnell Third Freeze Triggered by Lindsay Lohan Opening Fortune Cookie.
In a bizarre turn of events that has left the nation perplexed, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has reportedly experienced his third unexplained freeze, and this time, it may have all started…
Atlantic City beached whale finally identified as Governor Christie.
A curious and somewhat humorous incident unfolded on the shores of Atlantic City as what was initially thought to be a beached whale turned out to be a case of mistaken identity involving former New…
Beached Whale in Atlantic City Brings Crowds and Cranes to Remove the Gigantic Mammal
A monumental operation is currently underway in Atlantic City as authorities and volunteers come together to remove a beached whale that has captured the attention of crowds and required heavy-duty…
Landmark Case Declares Clean Gas Station Bathroom Unconstitutional
In a landmark case this week, a federal judge has declared “the maintenance of a clean and functional gas station bathroom” unconstitutional, raising questions about the boundaries of personal…
Mayor Adams: A, C, E Trains to be Converted to 6mi Long Slip N’ Slide Due to Flash Flooding
In a visionary move aimed at addressing New York City’s recurring flash flooding challenges, Mayor Eric Adams has unveiled an audacious proposal to repurpose the A, C, and E subway lines into a…
Tallest Man Ever: Robert Wadlow, 8’11” – Shortest Man Ever: Rand Paul’s Penis.
Robert Wadlow, often referred to as the “Alton Giant,” holds the distinction of being the tallest man in recorded history. Born in 1918 in Alton, Illinois, Wadlow’s extraordinary growth began early…
Trump: Classified files state that inside of mussel should look like peanut and all mussels look gross.
There appears to be a misunderstanding regarding the appearance of mussels in classified files. To the best of our knowledge, there are no classified documents or reports that make claims about…
U.S. Governors Wonder How Word “Gubernatorial” Used For Anything Official At All.
As the country’s state leaders convene for the National Governors Association conference, many are left wondering: why is the word “gubernatorial” associated with anything official at all?